Thursday, July 17, 2014

Growing Pains {theological thursday motherhood style}

Almost instantly after I took the test{s} and confirmed that I was pregnant, it happened: worry taking away my joy.

I don't feel pregnant. Things aren't hurting like everyone else says they will. I'm not that tired. Is everything ok? Something must be wrong. 

And so begins the worrying, which I have now accepted will be around for the rest of my life.

I expected that becoming a mother would bring me more joy than I have ever had, a testing of my patience,  some tearful days and questioning if I was doing it right, and mostly, the capacity to love beyond my wildest dreams.  And I was right about all of those things. The one thing that I wasn't prepared for was the growth of the negative: fear and it's sorry companion worry.

I am really embarrassed and ashamed at how worry and fear have consumed my thoughts over the past two weeks.  Sure, I had a few fleeting moments of fear over the past few months since Griffin was born, but nothing like I've faced this past week.  Here are some snippets of what I've worried about:

{after seeing a picture of a snake on facebook that someone killed in their back yard, not even in our own town} Oh my goodness, what if there are snakes in the fields around our house? Is it safe for Griffin to play in the back yard? What would I do if one got in the house and I found it in the crib with Griffin?!?!? {seriously. in the crib with griffin. what am I smoking?!}

I've worried about him being diagnosed with autism some day, about having eye issues because one kinda sorta slightly turns in a bit, and about getting in some type of accident and losing a limb.

After hearing about a mother who was in an car accident that killed both her 10 year old and 9 month old,  I've worried about driving anywhere with Griffin in the car with me.

After hearing about two separate ladies who carried their babies within days of their due dates, only to end up delivering still born babies, I've spent countless hours worrying about our next pregnancy.

 And the greatest fear of all, the fear of something happening and us losing him. Or worse, Griffin losing one of us and never knowing who we are and how much we love him.

 Even in the moment as my worries were flashing through my head, I knew they were so ridiculous. Typing them out and sharing that with others confirms this.  The sermon last Sunday felt like it was tailor made for me and thankfully, has helped me to start getting my fears under control.  Our pastor shared this quote: {of which I'm kinda paraphrasing because I didn't write it down}

The thing you fear the most, is that which you treasure the greatest...

{insert smug smile on my face}

And where you trust God the least.


Yeah. Talk about stepping on my toes. He shared the verse 2 Timothy 1:12 -

"because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day."

Griffin is the greatest gift God has ever given me.  And everyday I have to wake up and choose to entrust him to the One who gave him to me.  Some days are easy {sitting on the couch, safe in our little bubble} and other days are a raging battle.  Every new stage Griffin enters brings a new season of joy, a new set of worries and a new way for my trust in the Lord to grow.

Hang in there mommas. He is able to guard your little one far beyond your wildest worries!

tt motherhood

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for commenting- I love hearing from readers!